“THE PHASES OF PASSION”
By Dr. Sonia Blasco
“Who ordered that their longing’s fire/ should be, as soon as kindled, cooled?” so lamented the poet Matthew Arnold on the fleeting nature of romantic passion.
Like many of us, the poet didn’t quite grasp that the burning passion of a new love will later evolve into mature love and attachment. And that notorious about-face that transforms ardent desire to a peaceful calm can make some feel disillusioned, reaching the puzzling conclusion that all the passion has somehow gone out of their relationship before they even realized it.
The desire inherent in falling in love is spontaneous. But when that love matures, why do we have to work so hard at it, trying to manufacture excitement, forcing erotic games, resorting to a predictable sexual routine?
The sexual desire of love’s first blush is an addiction, an all-consuming, ever-present need that feeds off of the presence of the object of that desire, as much as of its fantasy. Near or far, new love’s passion is a tyrannical hunger for shared pleasure. A primordial instinct.
That beguiling siren’s song, love’s exquisite pleasure is consummated and confirmed over and over again. And gradually, that burning desire is satisfied. Sated, the lovers progressively come back down to earth, each increasingly bonded with the other, who is no longer that fantastical ideal. Everyday life intervenes, all that glitters is not gold, and the heated fantasy fades.
Then comes the second phase of passion with mature love and the wondrous delights of attachment. Attachment is a powerful force that rewards us with the simple joy of being together and sharing our lives with our partner.
The two phases of passion, falling in love and attachment, are ruled by a strong array of hormones, which are specific to each phase and mercilessly take control of us.
When we first fall in love, we’re under the sway of hormones that heighten desire and make lovers feel completely attracted to each other; then other hormones give rise to attachment, working off of the attraction already in place and transforming it into something lasting.
That’s why in the attachment phase, we learn how to share and grow together as a couple. The constant disquiet and fear of losing the other has calmed down, and mutual commitment paves the way to cohabitation. Sexual desire now satisfied and assured, enters a new phase of calm.
As we all know, along with desire come insecurity, heightened expectations, and longing. Desire feeds off of novelty. On the other hand, mature love and attachment provide a comforting feeling of security; constancy, belonging, stability.
Maintaining passion’s burning flame is challenging, because novelty and astonishment conflict with daily life and cohabitation.
So to keep the passion in your relationship alive, scour your imagination for variation and surprise. To ignite a spark in your partner, or better yet, uncover a new side of yourself. You may be surprised…
(Dr. Blasco is a physician, psychoanalyst, and sexologist and the author of Camino al Orgasmo and Menopausia, una etapa vital.)
dsb@doctorasoniablasco.com
